Communicating With Your Spouse -- No, Really!

A comedian friend of mine once quipped about marriage with this:

"I know my wife is angry with me when she hands me a plastic bag and demands I pick up the dog poop from the back yard... I know she's REALLY mad when I look down and see holes in the bag."

It's funny, but it carries a nugget of wisdom. When you're married, you make a commitment to support one another in all things. It's kind of hard to do that if you aren't communicating properly. Holes in doggie-doo bags might not be the best way of communicating displeasure, but it sure does get the message across.

My wife and I have a great relationship. We work hard at communication, because we realized early on that we view the world in very different ways - complimentary ways, most often - but very different, nonetheless. My wife is a planner. She is great at making schedules, arranging dates, and that kind of thing. I am a doer. I am the type that thinks of something, and starts working on it immediately. Both have their good points and bad points, but together we manage to make it all work.

Mostly...

The biggest problem with this is communicating. When I say, "We need to do this..." What I am really thinking is, "Grab your coat, and let's go." When my wife says the same phrase, what she is thinking is, "Let's add it to the list and make a schedule."

You would think that knowing this would be helpful - and it is... mostly.

My first huge discovery in why I sometimes epically fail in communicating with my wife came when I started to look at the arguments that erupted from that simple sentence, and it dawned on me that we were actually failing BECAUSE we understood each other that well. Sometimes, when I would be talking to my wife, and using my understanding of her thought processes, I would suggest an activity or an errand that we should consider. I would use her wording:

"We need to get the rug shampooed." Translated, I was suggesting we look into that eventuality.

My wife, equally aware of MY thought processes would translate that as, 'let's move all the furniture, run down to the rental place, spend $250, and cancel everything for the day while we do this.

No big surprise, an argument developed.

This is just one example, of course, but I think you get the idea. We had to learn, not only how each other thought, but when we were speaking to ourselves out loud, and when we were speaking to each other. The solution was simple in theory, but takes a little work in practice. We started to clarify our wording a little better. If I had started that sentence with the words, "I think," I could have easily avoided all the arguments, because I would have clarified to my wife that it wasn't a priority.

My next realization came when I realized how important verbal pet peeves really are. My wife cannot stand to hear someone mutter under their breath. That's perfectly understandable, but it's hard to distinguish that from my little habit of subvocalizing when I'm thinking to myself. Likewise, I find nothing more insulting as a grown adult to be shushed. To me, shushing is just a way of saying, "I don't have time for your silly little thoughts - I'm busy." The extra few seconds it would take you to actually say, "I'm sorry. I just need to focus on this right now." would not kill you. My wife, who works on the phone for a living, and is used to everyone shushing everyone, doesn't always think about this. Shushing is as innate as saying hello when you pick up the phone.

It requires a little give and take, but we both try and cut down on the offending behaviors, and we both try to limit our reaction when they happen. It ain't perfect, but then again -- neither are we.

I came across another gem of idiot wisdom at the grocery store. It has to do with priorities. I am a typical man when it comes to shopping. I have one goal, and that is to get out of there as quick as possible. I know the grocery store pretty well, so I do a strategic attack, sweeping down the aisles in uniform patterns, grabbing what I need and nothing more. I do not turn around. If I missed something, I didn't really need it in the first place. My wife... Well, i said he is a planner, right? She thinks in terms of dinners, not items. She starts with what we'll need for Monday and Tuesday, and get what she needs accordingly. She'll spot something that will spark a great idea, then turn around to get the items needed to complete it. She doesn't take forever, because she has no desire to spend all day in the store either, but it grates on the nerves of a strategic shopper.

And, no. The answer is not "Don't shop together." Trips to the grocery store can spark a lot of great conversation, and you see some really weird stuff there that makes for great stories down the road. Nope. But we have figured out a few ways to use better communication to resolve issues. For example, I generally take the lead, and it does speed up our shopping techniques. But, when we do run across something that inspires, I keep going on the mission at hand, while my wife goes in search of the straggling necessities. We divide, we conquer, we go home happy.

Answers to all your marital communications woes? NOT BY A LONG SHOT! But maybe this will inspire you to look a little deeper into where you're communication habits could be improved.

Good Luck!