Just Don't Ask Where His Ideas Come From

It's the questions writers hate more than any other... except maybe for "How does it end?"

"Where do you get your ideas?" That question makes us cringe. It makes us want to bite people. Why? Because we honestly don't freaking know. These thoughts hit us from some unearthly hollow of bizarre self-loathing and bitter angst against our social betters. Or, maybe re-runs of the Jeffersons. Either way, we really don't ever have a good answer to the question.

And yet, people keep asking it. Recently, one of my favorite authors admitted this fact, which was a big relief to me, because it confirmed what I always suspected - you know, that it wasn't just me. Anyway, I was initially inspired to start being honest when faced with this question, letting readers know that the creative process was as much a mystery to me as it was to everyone else.

And then, from that surreal miasma of creative origins of which I am perpetually clueless, A thought occurred to me.

Instead of doing the mature, adult, and career-minded responsible thing - I could lie my lily-white writer butt off, big time, coming up with creative sources so disturbing and twisted as to cause normal minds to retreat into childhood memory, never to return.

You guys, being writers, should be just fine. Hopefully, it will give you a chuckle.

10. I use the first words from the titles of the leading news stories from that day and use them to outline a novel plot.

9. My dog speaks to me. I write what he says.

8. I was kicked in the head by a mule. Ever since then, the ideas just appear.

7. I record my drunken rantings.

6. I draw my greatest inspiration from Gilligan's Island, and Rudyard Kipling, and Shakespeare, and Who's The Boss... In that order.

5. I pick up secret government communications through the fillings in my teeth, and use them for plot ideas... I mean, my dog speaks to me. heh, heh. yeah, my dog. (You heard nothing!)

4. Two words: Blatant Plagiarism

3. My words are sent to me from the great ethereal overlords who govern this sector of the universe secretly. They use me as their vessel, spreading their wisdom and paving the way for them to one day come among us and pick up chicks.

2. I have a brain tumor pressing on my cerebral cortex that allows me to tap into the collective consciousness of all mankind. Doctors say they can remove it and save my life, but it's very expensive -- which brings me to book sales...

1. It would be too complicated to fully explain here and now, but I have written a wonderful book on the subject, which not only explains the creative process, but shows you how to tap into it yourself, enabling even the slowest, dim-witted simpleton to write a truly masterful book. It's available in hardback only, for the paltry sum of $29.95!